Why Suicide?

November 8, 2018.

Around 6am.

A young girl, aged 17 tried crossing the railway but she froze. She saw the light from the train. She heard the noise of that incoming train, yet she just stood there.

There were rumors about her mother passed away last 2017 and her grandmother passed away recently. Which is why her father came home from overseas. Her father asked her not to go to school and just spend the day with him, she refused. Rode a tricycle, paid their fare, and walk on… Thing is, she has her earphones on her, probably plays a little loud, did not realize that it will cause her her life.

Some said that it seemed as if she already thought about killing herself this day. I really don’t know. I tried checking her Instagram account but only has limited access. Rumors also surfaced that her deadline was until November 11, 2018.  Guess we never have to wait for that day.

I have been depressed before. I have thought of killing myself, not once. But all throughout those darkest moments, God intervened. He made me see what the repercussions will be, how it will greatly affect my kids, especially my daughter who has ADHD. How it will put a load of financial burden on my family.

I know how it feels to be alone and blame yourself. I know that killing yourself is the easiest way to escape the pain and all the tragedies that befall you. But how about the people you left behind? Those who will take care of the people you left? Your kids? Your parents? The people who have looked up to you? The betrayal that they will feel because of what you did will be too heavy for them. Then you have only passed on the pain and misery.

To those who are in emotional crisis and in need of immediate assistance, please contact the one of these:

24/7 HOPELINE at:

(02) 804-HOPE (4673)
0917 558 HOPE (4673)
2919 (toll-free number for all GLOBE and TM subscribers)

700 Club Asia

Please choose below the nature of your requests.  Their prayer team is eager to receive them and pray with you.

Metro Manila:                810-7717 or 810-7176
Toll-Free:                         1-800-1-888-8700 (outside Metro Manila)
Hong Kong:                     (852) 3114-5753
USA and Canada:          1-626-789-0435

In the Philippines, you may send a text message at these numbers:

Smart                                +63-920-222-8373

Globe                                +63-917-406-5001

Sun                                    +63-932-449-2499


Smart        +63-919-845-8295

Globe         +63-917-358-4832


Suicide is never the answer. There are people who are willing to help, just let them know.


[ Pain: trials and consequences ]

Arnold Pasamba, told me during my depressive years that “walang pinagkaiba ang pagsubok at pagpalo. pareho kasi silang masakit.”

i keep on recalling those words. it gave me somehow, an assurance that what i was going through back then is not isolated. because during those times, i was already thinking of suicide.

the beginnings.

i never thought of suicide before, but during my depression, 1999-2007, i had several “attempts” already. non of them involved knives and ropes or tall buildings. it only involves vehicles. being run over by vehicles was my choice. back in 1989, i was in grade 6, just 12 years old. i had a vehicular accident that involved a jeepney. i lost consciousness back then and just woke up the following day in a room in V. Luna in Quezon City.

back to the future….

my depression back then was somehow, in relation to my leaving the church where i once served. i felt that the people there “betrayed” me when they all agreed that i will always be the black sheep. labeled as the “backslider”. funny, i still somehow feel the pain of that incident.

i was so hurt then that i decided to leave the church totally. i left because i was angry. i was so mad at those people they don’t even know i am planning to burn that church to satisfy my anger.  it affected my whole family because i was often the guy who humbles down and happy and prays as often as possible. then all of a sudden, i don’t go to church, i drink, smokes at times…

Recovery period.

i transferred to Pasig City from Laguna. i had to, my work then demands time of rest. i spent time there alone, wanting to go to a church to start my “therapy”. i then heard that Victory will have a church at Robinson’s East. i went there during the very first service. i had been nurturing and harboring the anger and hatred throughout those years. and attending Victory services somewhat eased them. it is not the church actually, it’s the new surrounding i guess. i had to admit though that the recovery is very hard. i am still at the recovery stage.

i put up [soulprojekt] with the AA in mind. i felt that it was the same as addicts going through therapy. that is where i belong.

on the way to recovery… will be there, hopefully sooner.