Thoughts of suicide creeps in. I had to stop listening to Linkin Park for the night because I am getting scared of the images flashing inside head. Scenes of where I am seated beside our double deck bed, where I am strangled. In between my 2 boys and my wife and daughter.
No. IT WILL NOT HAPPEN. I know the negative impact it will have on my family. The trauma it will cause my kids. The blame. The questions that will never be answered.
I also happen to know that heaven will not and will never accept suicides. There are things that I need answers that I can only ask God once I am in heaven.
So I sat, prayed. Surrendered every thoughts running in my head and decided to write it down. I also replaced the songs with worship songs to somehow, remind and enforce to me that God is still in control.
No. It will never happen because I am a child of God.
my faith is struggling. that’s the first thing that came to my mind right now. i know it has been during the last 10 years. it has always been up and down, and down. i am not sure what God sees in me that He still, inspite of every stupid things i’ve done, gives me time. time to think of what He’s doing to me, in me and for me. these past few months after my son my was born has been really rough times. i went from almost nothing to negative. i struggled to go to work and i cannot open up myself to anyone because i have nobody to talk to. my family’s in Samar, my mom’s in Laguna. i have a secretive person and it seems that it’s firing back at me. i don’t have anyone to consider a real friend and it really makes me feel weak. a lot of people sees me as a weird kind of a guy who doesn’t know how to go with others. maybe i am. i really don’t mingle with the crowd for some odd reason and i don’t know why. seems that i have a problem and i don’t know it.
posted: October 21, 2010