“this message was given to me by my mother a few months ago. i was on one of my lowest points in my life that time. i am becoming suicidal which was unusual because i am not. i am now, back to where i was before. suffering the consequences of the foolishness and stupidities that i have done.
i feel that i have failed my father, he wanted me to be a military man. he wanted me to go to PMA and be a military officer. which i failed to do. he then wanted me to study a four year course in college, which i also failed. i finished a vocational course. i failed my mother. she wanted me to be the son who will be assisting, helping her with my siblings. i failed. she wanted me to be a firm believer in Christ, which i failed. i failed my brother and sisters. i failed to be the kuya that they need me to be.
i failed my two beautiful kids. i failed because i have not secured a family for her. i am not becoming the father she needs because i cannot provide them the assistance they need. financially, emotionally, etc. my daughter is in Samar with her mom. i am with my brother on weekdays. and on weekends, i am alone.
i failed the mother of my daughter. i have been coward and wasn’t as true as i have to be with her mom. i got her pregnant and fell short of the expectations set to me as a man. i run away from the responsibilities of being a father to my kid. yes, i failed to love my kid’s mom. i failed to love one woman. and still falling short of what they’re expecting of me.
my nephew who is 5 years old knows more than i do. yes, i failed him too. his father deserted him when he and my sister’s marriage fell. he looked unto me and my younger brother as the father he never had. yet, i can’t even give him anything now. not even a pencil case for his studies.
i failed. miserably. i failed so bad that i can’t even get a promotion because i am scared. scared of the responsibilities that i will have to take. stupid because i can’t face them. i even failed, my own self by not doing the best i can.
and yes, i failed the woman who trusted me for 6 years. she believed in me. she placed her trust, her love, her faith on me. and i failed her… now she has someone else in her life. i suck terribly that i am missing her so bad. i wanted to tell her that i am deeply sorry for what i have done. and that if she can give me another chance, i will be the happiest man on earth. good luck with that.
and finally, i failed my GOD. i know God has a lot of plans for me in my life. but then again, i had turned my back against Him. the only ONE who really ever loved me. i failed Him, big time! and i have been telling myself that God is not the one who decided for me, i am the one insisting my own stubbornness. i have been stubborn. i have been insisting on my own wants. not God.
and now, i found myself on this track where my suicidal tendencies are getting strong. before i left my apartment this evening, i am having those thoughts that says, “what if i get hit by a vehicle?”. i was crying like a kid along the way. when i reached the church along the road, i am not a catholic by the way, i went inside the church. why? i cried. i sobbed like a drunken man. i poured out my heart and asked God why? but then again, i know the “why?” questions will not be answered.
i have been depressed these few years now, and i am suffering because of what i have done. i know nobody’s to be blame but me. but this is not a blaming game. this is not what i have in mind.
i accidentally listened to a song by Hillsong entitled, STILL. it said, “i will be still and know you are God…”. it caught my attention, i have played it again and again. i cried while listening to it, let me share the full lyrics to you. it is a short song, but powerful one.
hide me now
under Your wings
within Your mighty hand
when the oceans rise and thunders roar
i will soar with you above the storm
Father You are King over the flood
i will be still and know You are God
find rest my soul
in Christ alone
know His power
in quietness and trust
it brought me to my knees yes, but at the same time, it made say “be still my soul and know that God is above EVERYTHING.”. yes, God is King over the flood. i may have been suffering, but then, God never really left me alone. i was just ignoring Him. and for now, i will put my trust to the One who knows me better.
written, February 17, 2009.