The words that were provided by the wise men some time ago, now, I have to grasp it. “this too shall pass…”
I am not sure how to begin writing this one. Inay has always been the one I ran to whenever my father or my mother would spank me or get mad at me. That happens when I am in Batangas, if not, sorry my ass. Inay was there when I had an accident, she collapsed when she got near me. i was unconscious for hours after the accident.
Year was 2009 or 2010 when Inay was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was at the Veterans. She had to go several radiations before being declared CURED. Then some months ago, she was diagnosed with cancer again, cancer of the bones. She was resisting radiation. She turned down medications. But after a few weeks, she had to be taken to the hospital again. Her health greatly affected. I was told that she cannot walk properly for some time. I visited her at the hospital. I was so angry at myself because I wasn’t there for the last few weeks that she was getting weaker and weaker. The last few days before September 21, 2011, my brother and cousins visited her.
September 21, 2011.
The day that I will always remember. I just slept for a couple of hours and then my mother texted me and said that I need to go to the hospital and hurry. I was empty. I can’t feel anything at the time. My sister called me up, crying. She asked me to go before I regret anything. Brought me back memories to the events that led to me being ridiculed after Itay was buried without me being there at the burial. It was my final interview at Dell when they have to bury Itay. I just brought my family along with me. We went to the Veterans as quickly as we can. I asked the taxi driver to please hurry up.
At the Veterans.
Once the cab stopped at the entrance of the hospital, I opened the door and run like crazy to ward 10 where Inay was. I dropped to my knees, held her hands, cried like a boy. I talked to her and whispered words to her ear. After a few minutes I went outside to check my wife and kids, and was told a minute after that Inay is gone. I ran back to her room and true enough, everyone is crying. I held her hand again, and whispered, “Inay, mahal na mahal kita. Pakisabi sa Itay sorry kung hindi ako nakapunta sa libing nya.” Then my sister called and I let her talk to Inay. After that, I went outside and witnessed how a dead loved one is labeled as cadaver. I kissed her before saying goodbye for now. had to go to the office and work. At least that’s what I call it.
Arrived at the office at 7pm. Had an argument with my daughter because she wants something and I cannot comprehend what she wants. The office scene was more of “events-sinking-in”. I began crying every once and in while because of Inay. Exchanging instant messages with my sister. Posting things on FB. Etc… I really wanted to go home that day. I wanted to sleep all day. But it failed. I had a total of roughly, 6 – 7 hours of sleep for the entire 3 days since September 21, 2011. My head was spinning that time. It was rough. Coffee infestation.
At the wake.
Fast forward to the wake of Inay. After our arrival, I stood passed the gate for some 5 to 7 minutes, crying. Was told to come inside because my daughter is still with me and she doesn’t want to come inside without me. after stepping inside the house, I stood a few steps away from the casket. I don’t want to see Inay inside it. but I had to. I mustered all my strength and looked at her inside the casket. She still is beautiful. I want to hug her again. I remembered things about her all of a sudden. i cried in front of her. i was so tired and restless that i had to sleep for more than 10 hours.
on the last day of her wake, there was necrological service held. after the service, each one take a look at her the last time and i cried again. i told myself that i have to carry her for the last time.
this is the best picture i have of me carrying her casket. it was also raining but i couldn’t let go. and after she was placed inside her tomb, i was crying and the rain cried with me.
when we arrived back home, i almost broke down. i cried and my mother was hugging me telling me that “mas ok na yun kesa naman maghirap pa sya” i know. i understand. but i am hurting. and right now, i am still hurting.