Arnold Pasamba, told me during my depressive years that “walang pinagkaiba ang pagsubok at pagpalo. pareho kasi silang masakit.”
I keep on recalling those words. it gave me somehow, an assurance that what i was going through back then is not isolated. because during those times, i was already thinking of suicide.
i never thought of suicide before, but during my depression, 1999-2007, i had several “attempts” already. non of them involved knives and ropes or tall buildings. it only involves vehicles. being run over by vehicles was my choice. back in 1989, i was in grade 6, just 12 years old. i had a vehicular accident that involved a jeepney. i lost consciousness back then and just woke up the following day in a room in V. Luna in Quezon City.
back to the future….
my depression back then was somehow, in relation to my leaving the church where i once served. i felt that the people there “betrayed” me when they all agreed that i will always be the black sheep. labeled as the “backslider”. funny, i still somehow feel the pain of that incident.
i was so hurt then that i decided to leave the church totally. i left because i was angry. i was so mad at those people they don’t even know i am planning to burn that church to satisfy my anger. it affected my whole family because i was often the guy who humbles down and happy and prays as often as possible. then all of a sudden, i don’t go to church, i drink, smokes at times…
i transferred to Pasig City from Laguna. i had to, my work then demands time of rest. i spent time there alone, wanting to go to a church to start my “therapy”. i then heard that Victory will have a church at Robinson’s East. i went there during the very first service. i had been nurturing and harboring the anger and hatred throughout those years. and attending Victory services somewhat eased them. it is not the church actually, it’s the new surrounding i guess. i had to admit though that the recovery is very hard. i am still at the recovery stage.
i put up [soulprojekt] with the AA in mind. i felt that it was the same as addicts going through therapy. that is where i belong.
on the way to recovery… will be there, hopefully sooner.