[ Pain: trials and consequences ]

Arnold Pasamba, told me during my depressive years that “walang pinagkaiba ang pagsubok at pagpalo. pareho kasi silang masakit.”

i keep on recalling those words. it gave me somehow, an assurance that what i was going through back then is not isolated. because during those times, i was already thinking of suicide.

the beginnings.

i never thought of suicide before, but during my depression, 1999-2007, i had several “attempts” already. non of them involved knives and ropes or tall buildings. it only involves vehicles. being run over by vehicles was my choice. back in 1989, i was in grade 6, just 12 years old. i had a vehicular accident that involved a jeepney. i lost consciousness back then and just woke up the following day in a room in V. Luna in Quezon City.

back to the future….

my depression back then was somehow, in relation to my leaving the church where i once served. i felt that the people there “betrayed” me when they all agreed that i will always be the black sheep. labeled as the “backslider”. funny, i still somehow feel the pain of that incident.

i was so hurt then that i decided to leave the church totally. i left because i was angry. i was so mad at those people they don’t even know i am planning to burn that church to satisfy my anger.  it affected my whole family because i was often the guy who humbles down and happy and prays as often as possible. then all of a sudden, i don’t go to church, i drink, smokes at times…

Recovery period.

i transferred to Pasig City from Laguna. i had to, my work then demands time of rest. i spent time there alone, wanting to go to a church to start my “therapy”. i then heard that Victory will have a church at Robinson’s East. i went there during the very first service. i had been nurturing and harboring the anger and hatred throughout those years. and attending Victory services somewhat eased them. it is not the church actually, it’s the new surrounding i guess. i had to admit though that the recovery is very hard. i am still at the recovery stage.

i put up [soulprojekt] with the AA in mind. i felt that it was the same as addicts going through therapy. that is where i belong.

on the way to recovery… will be there, hopefully sooner.



I have been wanting to write this article for a long time now. I’ve been looking forward to have this posted on my blog site.

Charice Pempengko. Arnel Pineda of Journey. APL of Black Eyed Peas. Manny Pacquiao. Lea Salonga. What do these people have in common? They’re all Filipinos. And they have already achieved their dreams. And they’re proud Filipinos.

Reality check. THEY ARE PROUD FILIPINOS. Basically, there’s nothing really wrong here. Except when you say, “I am a PROUD FILIPINO because of these people. “Did I just hear you say, “you’re a proud Filipino because of some other Filipinos?” come on, that didn’t sound right! Most Filipinos claim that they’re PROUD FILIPINO because of an external factor. ESPECIALLY after PacMan wins a fight! It would seem as though that we’re the ones fighting in the ring and not Manny.

There’s really nothing wrong with applauding for Manny or the others, what’s wrong is when one says that he’s proud to be Pinoy because of Manny and the others. Or he’s proud because of what Arnel Pineda, Charice and APL are singing on stage.

PRIDE should be from within. We should say, “I am a proud Filipino because I am a Filipino.” It should be from the inside looking out, not the other way around. Pride should also know when to stop.

I checked Wikipedia and they gave me this meaning for the word DELUSION. “A delusion is a false belief held with absolute conviction despite superior evidence.[1] Unlike hallucinations, delusions are always pathological (the result of an illness or illness process).[1] As a pathology, it is distinct from a belief based on false or incomplete information, dogma, stupidity, poor memory, illusion, or other effects of perception.”

We became delusional and grew up thinking that we are better than the others. Even locally, Tagalogs think the Bisayan speaking people are inferior to them. That everyone who speaks with a strong accent is Bisaya. We are a nation of racists. We hate racism, but we can’t face that fact. We can’t stare in the mirror and say that we need to change. Change our attitude. Be humble.

I am not sure about the Filipino pride but we are also in a society of fixers, corrupt officials, law-breakers, child-abusers, kotong cops, government syndicates, customs robbers, MMDA idiots, immigration scumbags, spoiled priests, and jejemon youth… collectively known as PINOYS.

I don’t want to be called PINOY by the way. I am not PINOY. I AM A FILIPINO. And a proud one at that. Filipinos have lost the true essence of being a proud Filipino. We have lowered ourselves to the negativities around us.

As long as we don’t realize that we have a problem, this country will not move forward. We have to look long in a mirror and see what we have done and what we are doing. We need to stand up and say “tama na. sobra na. palitan na… ang mga kalokohan natin.”

I am still hoping for a better Philippines. For a better Filipino.